Somebody to live for
by aniutka370
Summary: When Spencer catches Derek on doing the worst possible thing to their relationship and his heart, how will he react? A short one-shot with some fluffiness in the end. Warnings: contains cheating, suicide attempt, mentions of sex, cheating, swearing, but, oh come on, it's not like you haven't heard those words before.


**A/N: Hey ho! It's me! While you're waiting for me to write all the promised stories, I have a small one-shot for you! I hope you like it! Pretty please for review, I'm sending hugs and cookies to all of you who will!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own anything that you might recognize!**

* * *

Spencer Reid had been in a relationship with Derek for over three years. They got together after years of being best friends, gaining new feelings for each other. He trusted and deeply loved Morgan. He would sacrifice himself if that meant Derek would be okay. He would dream about his lover's eyes looking directly into his own, his mouth stating the three words everyone would die to hear. _I love you._ There was no doubt Derek Morgan was Spencer's first love.

But first loves do not always bloom.

And there he stood. Trying to say something at the sight in front of him. Trying to make a step, either forwards or backwards. Move left or right. Speak up, yell, whisper, scream, whatever. Trying to do anything but stand there and watch his Derek making love to some stranger. But he couldn't do anything as long as his body wouldn't listen - he was made to watch by his very own body. He saw his boyfriend pushing and pulling. Moaning and groaning. Saying those three most important words to someone else. And then, Derek went over the edge. With a loud moan, more like shout, he collapsed and looked at the direction of the door absentmindedly. That was when his face turned pale and his body stifled.

"Spencer? What are you doing here?" he asked confused, the effects of his climax wearing off slowly.

"The better question is what the two of you are doing here." Reid hissed, not knowing if he should be angry or sad or what... He decided that for now, he wouldn't let any of his emotions slip. Not in front of his 'boyfriend'. He would _not_ give him the satisfaction.

"Shit... Spencer, it's not what it looks like!" Derek tried, futilely, to stop his boyfriend.

"Really? Then... What is it?" he asked, his voice just slightly above the whisper and his eyes on the scene in front of him, as if telling Derek how stupid he sounded. Standing naked in front of his lover with some naked guy next to him, both completely drained from their earlier encounter in bed. It wasn't helping that Spencer witnessed the ending part of it.

"It's just..." Derek started, not knowing how to end. There was nothing he could say to convince Spencer.

"I know… Don't bother, though. Maybe you should go and pack your stuff up? Or do you want to finish here? I could pack you while you're into… it…" he gestured to the man sitting on his bed, covered with comforter. He wouldn't break down. Not here. Not with _them_ watching him. Oh, no, he would not give them any satisfaction. It was hell to keep his mask on his face, but Spencer wouldn't let it fall. No. He was better than that.

So he started packing Derek's stuff into the suitcase. After five minutes, Derek silently joined him. He knew that nothing he would say right then would make Spencer change his mind. He hurt him in the worst possible way. But he was stupid enough to at least try.

"Spencer, let's talk about it…" he started but received nothing but a snarl. "Come on, are you even going to talk to me about it?"

"No, I don't think so…" Spencer answered shortly. That should have had given Derek a sign that it was enough but he pressed either way.

"Please, Spencer, let me explain…"

"No, Morgan. There is nothing you have to explain. I understand it pretty well."

"No, you don't!" Derek yelled, frustrated.

"I do…" Spencer whispered. "Look, you're the Derek Morgan, the hot stuff, the sex bomb. I am Spencer Reid, geeky, slutty, too tall and too thin kid of the schizophrenic woman. The thought-to-be genius prodigy stupid enough to believe I was actually worth anything coming from you." he looked up to see the eyes he loved so deeply looking at him silently. "See? I do understand." he added softly and handed Morgan's suitcase to his boyfriend.

"Spencer, don't do this…" Derek tried once again.

"I begged for the same every night. 'Derek, don't ever cheat on me. Don't ever do this, please.', remember? Do you remember promising?" he asked but didn't bother waiting for an answer. "Goodbye, Derek Morgan." and with that, he pushed the man and his sex friend out of the apartment. He waited for a moment and then collapsed to the ground, tears finally willing to fall.

"Fuck…" he moaned, more like whined, leaning on the door, his knees as close to his chest as possible. He felt exposed, cheap, used. Just like before he joined BAU. He cried like that for a long time, before he realized something. He looked at the wall in front of him and stared… and stared… and stared… his eyes dull, devoid of any emotions, tears long forgotten. What was the point?

Where was it?

Why couldn't he see it any longer?

So cold.

So dark.

No colors.

Just… darkness.

His mother had forgotten about his son long time ago.

Derek was the only person who tried to love him and he clearly failed. He was not made to be loved.

'Even if on the whole world there is only one person that loves you, you still are loved and should be grateful for that. As long as you are loved, you have the reason to live.' his mother would read him that book from time to time. She always made a point to read that line to Spencer, though. It would always help him sleep. It would always calm him whenever he thought back to dad cheating on his mom and then leaving them.

And now? Who loved him?

Mother? Maybe, when she was lucid, which happened more rarely with each year passing.

Derek? Yeah, right. That's why he'd done this to him.

Then who?

No one?

Then, there was no point in living for anyone anymore, was there?

With that, Spencer stood up and went to his bathroom. He opened the first aid kit and took out some bottles of sleeping pills.

He wrote something on the paper, sat down on the bed and swallowed first three. Why three? One for his mother. One for Derek. One for himself. Another three, another, another, another… the world was starting to drift, everything seemed to become more and more dizzy but he couldn't stop. Not yet. He had to make sure he succeeded. So he swallowed another three. And then, the final three.

 _Yeah…_ he thought. _This should be enough… Goodbye… And I'm so sorry I wasn't enough._

With that he closed his eyes.

He was unconscious by the time the door opened.

He was unconscious by the time someone reached for him and yelled his name.

* * *

"Hey, you got everything?" Emily asked Hotch, JJ, Garcia and Rossi as they gathered in front of Spencer's apartment.

"Yeah, we do. We have food, champagne, Garcia got lots of balloons and each of us have a present." JJ answered, looking happy. It was Spencer's birthday that day. His 30th. They were all so excited about it. It was Sunday so they wouldn't be able to make a party at the office and so they decided to make a surprise and bring the party to Spencer and Derek's apartment.

"Wait, isn't Morgan home? I can't see his car…" Rossi noticed.

"Well, maybe he went shopping or to the gym?" Garcia supplied.

"Yeah, it wouldn't be the first time he forgot about someone's birthday…" Hotch murmured, clearly not happy about his subordinate's attitude. How could anyone forget that it was their loved one's birthday? Especially Reid's.

They all stood in front of the door leading to Spencer's home and knocked. No one answered.

"Maybe he's asleep?" Emily asked, when he didn't open the door.

"Reid? He's the first to wake up. Always." Hotch said, doubt visible in his voice. "Maybe we should call Morgan?" he supported, taking the phone out of his pocked.

 _"_ _Morgan."_ sounded the very pissed voice of his co-worker in his cell.

"Morgan, it's Hotch. Where are you? We are in front of your apartment and no one is opening the door. We didn't see your car but Reid's was there." Hotch asked. There was silence for a second, then sounds of covers shuffling and some voices.

 _"_ _Der, who's there? Do you have to go?"_ someone asked, but it wasn't Spencer's voice. Because if it was, Hotch would recognize it.

"Morgan." Aaron's voice was cold and hard with anger by that time. "Who's with you?" he practically barked.

 _"_ _Look, first of all what are you doing in front of his apartment?"_ Derek asked angrily. Hotch noticed that the younger man said 'his apartment' not 'our apartment' and that, with the unknown voice made him furious, if not worse.

"It's his birthday today and if you two had a fight and you went out and jumped straight into someone else's bed, I promise I'll kill you." Hotch practically spat, his voice turning into one, venomous hiss. _That_ got everyone's attention and made their attempts to open the door even higher.

 _"_ _Hotch, I can't talk right now—"_

"Get your fucking ass right here right now!" he yelled, startling everyone. Then, he hung up, presents and champagne long forgotten on the floor and knocked loudly on the door.

"Reid, open up!" he yelled, ignoring strange looks from his friends. When, after a minute of knocking, more like beating the hell out of the poor door, he decided it wouldn't do any good. He took a step back and forced the door open, then ran into the apartment.

He ran towards the bedroom and took in the sight in front of him.

Spencer was lying there, eyes closed, his skin pale, tear tracks on his cheeks. He quickly felt for the pulse, for the breath. None.

"He's not breathing, his heart's not beating, call an ambulance!" he shouted to the rest of the team, which was quickly entering the apartment. He tried to ignore the shocked and painful gasps from the girls and the curses flowing out of Dave's mouth.

"He took sleeping pills. Just how much..?" Aaron started CPR and felt for pulse. Still nothing. "SHIT!" he yelled, frustrated and scared. Scared that he would never see Spencer's eyes open. "Help me wake him up!" he practically begged all the guests and they all jumped back to life, as if the clock started ticking again.

"If he took something maybe we should force it out of him?" Rossi quickly suggested, afraid but still trying to at least look calm.

"Emily, give me water with lots of salt!" Hotch yelled, seeing that Garcia was too busy crying and JJ was calling an ambulance. When the woman brought what they needed, Hotch poured it into his subordinate's mouth, forcing him to swallow it. Rossi brought the bucket in time and Reid threw up into it. He started coughing, but then collapsed again. Still, there was a pulse. And he was breathing. That was something. Hotch sighed in relief.

"Aaron." Rossi spoke up, alarmed. When SAC turned his head to look at his direction, he saw his friend holding a letter. "He wrote a suicide letter. He's lying on the bed, there are obvious stains of semen on it but yet, he looks like it wasn't him having sex, Morgan's out with someone else, and Reid tried to kill himself. I think we have to talk to Morgan." he stated grimly.

Deep inside of his mind, Hotch had known it. He he had known it even before Rossi voiced it. But then, it made everything even more real. Reid, Spencer Reid, caught his boyfriend, his first and only love, cheating on him, in his apartment, on his bed, on his birthday. And with Spencer's past it was probably bound to end that way.

"God dammit, Morgan..." he mumbled and hugged Spencer closely to his chest, murmuring words of comfort when he heard the boy whimper softly.

"Why did you save me..?" Spencer whispered, barely audibly, and sobbed again.

"Because we love you." was Hotch's reply. He didn't even think about it, it just came out of his mouth and only then did he realize how true of a statement it was. They loved him. He loved him.

 _Shit_

He loved Spencer.

He smiled at that thought. and felt the boy do the same.

The small but oh so true smile lightened his whole face up and for once, he looked so happy yet so tired.

"So..." Reid started softly. "I'm not alone?" he managed to ask before he slipped softly into the darkness of unconsciousness, but this time, it was full of peace, easiness, calm and love. It was so warming that, for the first time in his life, he wasn't afraid of that dark.

Not anymore.

Not ever.

* * *

 **A/N: So, so so! Did you like it? Please, review and let me know! Kisses, love and unicorns! Please, be patient and wait for the multiple - chapter that will be published soon!**


End file.
